There are some moments when being emo isn't enough

i think i'm going to begin using the department of my mind known as vengeance.

i don't like being in these moods, but i seem to be running into them very often lately. it happens when a series of people ignore me including some of my best friends. i am aware they have things going on but in all seriousness, i am usually there for them when they need me. so if they're not going to initiate anything, then they could at least reciprocate? guess that's too much to ask.

sometimes i've felt the desire to hit the restart button on my life and see what it's like to grow up as a bum with nothing. maybe that way, you can look back and always know you're doing better. it's the feeling of having gone backwards that gets me depressed. after all, i wouldn't know any better if i hadn't experienced anything before-hand.. but now that my past looks happier than the present, i'm starting to doubt the value of relationships at all when it could be a lot more peaceful if they didn't exist. i've always argued against people who thought like that though, with the same argument: that it's better to share something you love with another person whether it's a scenery, a movie, a meal.. anything. and that having good memories to reflect on with bad ones is sure of a hell lot nicer than having none. i mean we don't tend to remember the days when we were alone the whole time. i sure don't anyway.

i told myself i could be independent though, and that i didn't really NEED anyone to live on or anything. i assured my parents that if things didn't go well in new york, i could always find enough mental resolve to push on with my goals since i always had myself. now i'm starting to doubt the validity of those strong statements.. and doubting is never a great thing when it's about one's ability to do something one claimed to be capable of. things would be a lot easier if i was an idiot who didn't think at all and just lived on spurious emotions and whims. but things would also be a lot less interesting, and i wouldn't be able to enjoy laughing about the same kinds of humor as i do now.. and the same group of friends.. the same qualities that people tell me i have.. yeah maybe i just don't like change in general. that's why i always pine for the past.

i'll learn to adapt more quickly.