was pretty fail. who knew Yi's internet couldn't hold 5 people uploading and downloading on it at the same time? pretty sure mine can't anyway. so we ended up spending money on a net cafe instead. should have just done that from the beginning in my opinion.
i called Cindy last night and she picked up! but she was out with friends. friends i knew anyway so that felt good. it kind of upset me though that she did have the capacity to go out late when she has work at 9 in the morning, but not the capacity to skype with me if she gets home 'too late' around 10pm. feels like i've been pushed down the priority ladder severely. what can i say though.. i kind of caused it with all my over-reactions and emotional outbursts.
i figured out last night what's been different about me since i finished freshman year at Stern. i don't have any goals! and not soccer goals, i mean objectives, ambitions, dreams even. i've been idling around at home and the reason why i feel the need to distract her or think about her all the time is because i haven't had anything to keep me occupied mentally or physically.
it's kind of hard for me to understand the true extent and true reason behind my sudden lack of control over my emotions but i hope that's the reason. honestly, i've been perceiving a lot of negativity from everything lately and i owe it to my pessimistic nature. except recently it's become really fluctuated so sometimes i say things that sound like i'm not so worried, only to contradict it later. it would be a lot easier for me to get through if i started crafting my words before i say them like i used to. i think i've begun to value unpolished thoughts and speech too much because i falsely assign them the virtue of being the pure truth. actually though there is no real truth to what people say when it's regarding relationships and other people.
when i infer motives or try to analyse the thoughts someone might be having for me, i do it based on actions and words. but i don't think people truly realize to what extent this is so flawed. how do we know a person's intentions when clearly, they are not even sure of their own? and even if they were, how are they to express them in such a way that we perceive their intentions the way they intended? i mean sometimes when i say sorry and i really mean it, people think i'm fucking with them because i have a sarcastic tone that is developed from years of cracking sexist jokes. and i only have myself to blame for being unable to express my true intentions. however, the way my intentions are received are also affected by their impression of me, based on my appearance, the previous conversations we've had, and maybe my personal background along with multiple other factors. it's such a holistic and amorphous perspective that it is impossible to understand one's true intentions purely based on their actions or words. maybe over time, through consistent decisions and choices made by that person, you can start to understand that maybe they are just truly how they portray themselves to be.
multiple times, i've believed people to be faking their enthusiasm or depression for attention's sake. yes it is unwise to be cynical on almost everything but that's me; i hate people.. nah i don't actually but sometimes i can get pretty passive aggressive. and i guess i might have tried to tell them that they are being fake, so they can stop doing it because it makes me awkward. now those few people i've said that to have never trusted me and it's been a painstaking process to undo my mistakes and admit that it was i who assumed too much and judged without jurisdiction.
funny enough, if i'm the one who thinks this way, and if i'm the one who is basically telling others to be objective with their impressions of other people since perception and reception are very biased, then why the hell can i not get over this myself? surely enough, only after going through something like this do i realize that all the times i've been asked for advice, and given it only to see it not taken seriously, was because it's not easy at all to listen to rationale when you're just.. in love. or when you hate someone. personally i think those emotions might go hand in hand at times. i never really understood the idiots that said there's a fine line between love and hate until now. she can make me so happy sometimes, and suicidal during others.
but yes, this post was a load of nonsense that i usually ponder over too often before sleeping. it's really not too hard to understand why i've been consistently trying to deny my mono-brow from forming since i'm frowning half the time i sleep. i just wonder why people don't smile when they're thinking critically. anyway, for now i have to say that i am sorry to Cindy for being so up and down all the time. i know it's hard to have feelings for someone once you've noticed that you're losing them, and it must be nearly impossible once that person starts accusing you of cheating, starts being overly possessive, and generally acts like a rash on your body that you can't get rid of because it's been with you for a long time and you're not sure whether or not it's good for you. i know that when i read this sometime tomorrow or in the next few weeks before i see her, i will think 'fuck that' and be all angry/pissed/flopping like a fish on my bed trying to shake out the feelings. but for now i am slightly contented. it would help if i had better things to do than think about this and write it all down but i slowly feel my popularity being sucked out by the fact that i don't really plan or initiate anything, and i'm not really living in Auckland anymore. it's hard to be friends with someone that comes and goes annually.
to end this long post, i must confess that i have always thought myself to be 'the shit' because i thought i was the only one who saw the true value behind unprocessed and unpolished thoughts. i usually spat them out, some insults, some tirades and occasionally there would be a compliment. and i took pride in that. it will take me awhile to get my head back around and adjust because people have always helped me confirm that pride by telling me how rational i am. i always owed it to saying what i meant. really though, what you mean at one moment is never consistent with the next and you'll always end up regretting one word in that sentence. sorry guys for all those painful insults about your disposition, looks, and background. i pretty much said you were useless and detrimental to society. that can't sound really nice. Max you're a douche but you have your own reasons for being that way. i'm not going to enjoy debunking the myths you have about your own virtues anymore, though it was fun and sometimes pitiful.
now i understand that maturity does not come from losing your virginity, becoming extremely rugged looking, getting buffed, drinking coffee, and having deep chats with your friends; rather, maturity should come from understanding that the world is not so simple as this and that, and what you say and understand from what others say is not black and white. it's a kaleidoscope of gradients and shades. and so it's not too wise to just act like an unrefined idiot and call it telling the truth. the truth is what you make of it, and if your life is to be an enjoyable one, maybe those truths should be thought through carefully, and those unprocessed sentences should only come out of your mouth or body language when you're either pissed drunk or around people that don't give a fuck.
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