yes I actually decided to put advertisements on my blog because hey, if there's money to be made, and other people are making it, then there is absolutely no reason why I shouldn't be. There isn't much money to be made, unless thousands of people begin reading my blog and like, accidentally click the ads. hey i randomly decided to not type in perfect punctuation anymore because it's 1:08am and i can't be bothered.
you know what's dumb is that these last few days i've been trying to sleep before midnight since my body is starting to destroy itself. i've noticed how i haven't been able to keep in a meal without having diarrhea in the next few hours and i assume the lack of sleep is associated. or maybe it's because i have been eating spicy meals and KFC. now i'm thinking of what could possibly be keeping me awake when i am clearly not trying to stay awake.
i do tend to think about a lot of the things i've done, will do, and just did; and then begin analysing my own choices and decisions; and then begin analysing others' responses to my choices and decisions; and then begin analysing the possible outcomes or impressions they might have of me; and then begin formulating possible scenarios to improve those impressions; and then eventually i'll go on mutiple tangents and end thinking about things that don't require much brain power such as remembering the multiple bosses i killed in world of warcraft.
lately i've been thinking about cindy a lot more though and that kind of starts to create this annoying ball of high density frustration and sadness between my eyes and slightly above my eyebrows. but then again, i usually fall asleep thinking.. so why am i awake? well i discovered the reason today after a swim when xinan and i went to enjoy a cup of coffee.. i don't usually drink coffee but these past few days, with jon tan around, i needed all the energy i could get. plus drinking coffee made me feel sophisticated in an expensive restaurant instead of pigging out on pasta. and it's cheaper too. so now i've realized that maybe the reason i haven't been able to sleep is because i have no control anymore of my body's sleeping patterns after intoxicating myself with caffeine. i will remind myself to not order a moccachino next time we are enjoying lunch in a bistro.
that said, staying awake has its merits. i have those deep conversations with people i normally wouldn't talk to. i remember i used to parodize (new word) the concept of being deep simply because so many people claimed to be so when clearly they were not. they would tell others that they are psychological and philosophical geniuses without realizing what those two fields of social science actually studied. quite honestly i never liked people who approached me while i was sitting on the steps outside a party to have a deep chat unless it came out naturally. i remember some would tell me to have a bro chat with them, which naturally meant a deep chat. as you can see i don't think anyone is deep because i hated being told that i was deep. i mean sure i helped people with their relationship issues, family troubles, life crises and such but that's only because i was so detached from everything. personally i never really gave a shit about my future unless my parents started forking money into something that i knew i had to do well in so it wasn't wasted.
but i shouldn't criticize those kids who enjoy their conversations about morality, and emotions, and feelings, and inner thoughts, and fetishes.. no but seriously, about why life can be so unjust, unfair, and in general, why we're living. now victor was probably the guy i had most of those chats with because he always had a problem with where his talent should be invested. there was a time when he had girl troubles but those aren't really deep chats. they're more of just getting him to see things from a different perspective, and breaking down the motives of his girlfriend's actions. now the real shit came when he started questioning the reason to succeed. here i got worried because he had a lot going for him you see. it's true though, what he said, i mean.. he was employed in the dining hall and worked there for about 3 months before he was promoted to supervisor whereas a guy who worked their for nearly a year got nothing. he said he felt guilty initially in that all he really did was just chat with the previous supervisor and not doing his job. then he began to infer that life is essentially unfair and that god cannot exist if such events occur where hard-work is not rewarded. now obviously some might be thinking 'hey that's not deep at all you're a fraud stop criticizing others who think they are deep' but really i can't remember the rest of our conversation. i just know there were a lot of assumptions thrown around and extreme perspectives but in the end i did feel quite satisfied knowing i had just breached a topic that suggested i was no longer an adolescent. because i actually cared about shit now.
so now i realize that the reason why i used to be so detached was because i was not really my age. while the other kids started caring about bigger issues, i was playing world of warcraft and wondering why the world was collapsing when clearly, no meteor threats were looming.
anyway i think the real reason i'm up is because i secretly hope cindy will come online after her yoga practice, but in reality i am fooling myself. for the amount of keenness i have in perceiving and inferring motives from actions, i am pretty thick when it comes to her. but the problem is, i don't know if i'm thinking too pessimistically because i naturally enjoy inducing emotional pain on myself so i can make her feel guilty for it later. my guess is though that she's probably avoiding me, and i don't know why. pretty heart-breaking stuff. i even thought up a song while lying in bed and waiting for her. i think the chorus would go something like this:
i just can't sleep,
when i know you don't care about me
i just can't sleep,
because i reminisce about how we used to be
i just can't sleep,
the wounds you've left are still cut in so deep
so please,
set me free
personally i wouldn't listen to a song with a chorus like that but if people listen to t-pain and lil'wayne then i don't see why those lyrics with a good beat couldn't make millions. usually a blogger is supposed to leave a post a day or less, but i think i might be a little frantic tonight so let that be an excuse for me leaving two. or more. ciao
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