is not innocent. I actually have another blog - cas4steven.blogspot.com - but somehow I can't access it anymore. For the better anyway since the URL is ridiculously indicative of my sensitivity to IB propaganda.
Anyway I saw Saila doing a blog last night at around 3am and had a wild idea to start my own. And then I did it. I was up late because I drank coffee for the first time in my life (actually). Now.. what does one put on a blog anyway? I know Jenny Liang puts her poetry, which I have unjustly criticized before. Ok this is some pretty boring stuff so maybe I should slash the chains that are tied to my creativity known as manners.
Hey so I'm waiting for my friend/girlfriend/I don't know right now, Cindy Xu, to come online and Skype with me. Now usually, or back in the day, I am a sarcastic, immature, and very stoic individual. I have been told many times by Victor X.Li who currently attends Princeton - as testament to his accuracy - that my writing just doesn't sound human, as in it's devoid of emotion. Some idiots might take pride in that, as I once did, because I thought it was cool to be.. cool and cold. But now I think I've breached some form of maturity and have started developing feelings for people. And it sucks. Quite honestly, I don't know if I've progressed in life or gone backwards in terms of personalities that are chosen by natural selection. I always thought I'd be all good with emotional fluctuations, it's the only way I managed to convince my parents to let me troll in New York instead of staying in quiet and remote Auckland. But uh.. that didn't really last long and now I am struggling quite frequently to keep up with the whims of my heart.
Some things just sadden me now. I know it's not great to accuse someone (Cindy) of not keeping her word or making an effort to still talk to me since we're technically still 'trying' to make things work. It's not that hard to go on the computer and Skype for 5 minutes. I just want to see her. And quite honestly, maybe I am not very understanding of her situation (she might be insanely busy) but I usually believe I am right. And usually I am right. So right now I think she's just purposely trying to not talk to me, or maybe she just forgot. Either way it's kind of sad and makes me feel like a useless pile of faeces. Obviously I can't go all out on this so that's why there's still a tinge of sarcasm and comic relief to some of this HEAVY AND BURDENING text. But yeah.. the real me is actually breaking down slowly and can't really maintain more than 5 hours of sleep because I keep thinking she's going to come online or call (note we have a time difference). I just hope that when I do see her in just over two weeks' time, I won't doubt her anymore in terms of how much she still cares for me. I know though that right now, she is not making a level of effort that reflects the relationship we once had.
I was originally intending to post a link to this on my Facebook, but that would be rather stupid since everyone could find out about it! Therefore this blog is reserved for myself and those who are unlucky enough to stumble upon it. Maybe once I've accumulated enough posts and need to make some money from AdSense, I will make this overtly public. Then, only the people who are either truly bored or, in some unlikely circumstance, who actually care about me to keep reading, will find this post. Truthfully though, it's not that intense compared to some of the feelings and emotions others might experience. I mean, I'm not making up my own song lyrics or dreaming up musical scores that reflect these feelings. Most of it probably is my own doing through paranoia and pessimism (:
What a fool I am to contradict almost everything I do with the exact opposite. The climax and value of my thoughts must be lost after I anti-climax them with something absurdly lame. But really, I am that kind of person. I don't like to be too extreme with things because I tend to think people don't want to hear about how ruthless some of my experiences are (since they're probably not). Maybe if there were only 10 people in this world, I would be more sure about the intensity of some of my claims, but because I am a very considerate and indecisive individual, I tend to over-do my qualifications of statements. And so, you will never find anything on this blog that is remotely exciting or boring. But then again, what is between exciting and boring? Moderate? That sounds pretty boring..
I just wasted over an hour waiting for Cindy hoping that writing this blog would make time pass faster until she comes online. I guess I have been truly disillusioned once again. Hey Steven if you're reading this in the future, remember how shit you felt and tell her if you're on good terms by then. Ciao.
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