i think i'm going to begin using the department of my mind known as vengeance.
i don't like being in these moods, but i seem to be running into them very often lately. it happens when a series of people ignore me including some of my best friends. i am aware they have things going on but in all seriousness, i am usually there for them when they need me. so if they're not going to initiate anything, then they could at least reciprocate? guess that's too much to ask.
sometimes i've felt the desire to hit the restart button on my life and see what it's like to grow up as a bum with nothing. maybe that way, you can look back and always know you're doing better. it's the feeling of having gone backwards that gets me depressed. after all, i wouldn't know any better if i hadn't experienced anything before-hand.. but now that my past looks happier than the present, i'm starting to doubt the value of relationships at all when it could be a lot more peaceful if they didn't exist. i've always argued against people who thought like that though, with the same argument: that it's better to share something you love with another person whether it's a scenery, a movie, a meal.. anything. and that having good memories to reflect on with bad ones is sure of a hell lot nicer than having none. i mean we don't tend to remember the days when we were alone the whole time. i sure don't anyway.
i told myself i could be independent though, and that i didn't really NEED anyone to live on or anything. i assured my parents that if things didn't go well in new york, i could always find enough mental resolve to push on with my goals since i always had myself. now i'm starting to doubt the validity of those strong statements.. and doubting is never a great thing when it's about one's ability to do something one claimed to be capable of. things would be a lot easier if i was an idiot who didn't think at all and just lived on spurious emotions and whims. but things would also be a lot less interesting, and i wouldn't be able to enjoy laughing about the same kinds of humor as i do now.. and the same group of friends.. the same qualities that people tell me i have.. yeah maybe i just don't like change in general. that's why i always pine for the past.
i'll learn to adapt more quickly.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
After surgery
, my mouth feels like a tonne of bricks. seriously, i thought the swelling was external or around the sides. my swelling is near my chin.. and it honestly feels like something is pulling my face down all the time. it's raining outside too, i wanna get out and have some fun but fuck.. this feels dumb. well i'm just glad now that 2 of the 4 teeth to be removed are out of the way, and that these 2 are probably the more difficult ones.
it seems that my blog posts have become significantly shorter in length. maybe i'm just less interested lately or maybe there's just less on my mind. yeah that's for sure. plus i'm too lazy to be like all the other bloggers and post up interesting pictures or articles simply because i don't go looking for them. i'm actually a very boring person. byebye
it seems that my blog posts have become significantly shorter in length. maybe i'm just less interested lately or maybe there's just less on my mind. yeah that's for sure. plus i'm too lazy to be like all the other bloggers and post up interesting pictures or articles simply because i don't go looking for them. i'm actually a very boring person. byebye
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I'm having surgery tomorrow
on my teeth. My lower two wisdom teeth are impacted horizontally and the Dentist claims that if left for too long, the roots will slowly but surely dig into my nerves and possibly into the jaw-bone, at which point the removal process will be much more costly and dangerous.
Here's hoping everything goes well tomorrow, and that I can still have some fun in the last days of my stay in New Zealand even with the pain of tooth removal and the hideousness that comes with a swollen jaw.
Wish me luck. Ciao.
Here's hoping everything goes well tomorrow, and that I can still have some fun in the last days of my stay in New Zealand even with the pain of tooth removal and the hideousness that comes with a swollen jaw.
Wish me luck. Ciao.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Here's to me
growing a pair of balls. another pair; so now apparently i have four. but two of them are hidden.
thanks fifi
i ran out of xkcd comics to read so now i'm very bored in bed at 1:26AM. i'm going to sleep now.
goodnight
thanks fifi
i ran out of xkcd comics to read so now i'm very bored in bed at 1:26AM. i'm going to sleep now.
goodnight
Monday, July 12, 2010
These last few days
have been quite enjoyable. i haven't been busy to the extent that my parents get all pissed but i'm not spending my time idling at home either. sometimes i wonder whether or not i've reverted back to going out for the sake of it. i mean it's always a comforting thought knowing you did everything you could in one day; and usually the illusion of being out of the house provides that feeling when in reality, staying at home could have been much more productive.
so usually i don't initiate things but then i realized that i would never see toy story 3 unless i got off my lazy ass and asked people to see it. sadly i'm not invited to things as frequently as before and i owe it to my lack of effort in maintaining friendships while in new york. it's not that i don't want to keep friends.. it's just that i become very bored with online conversations, and because it's obvious that i'm bored, i'd rather end it than drag out an awkward dialogue.
anyway toy story 3 was a fun watch. i haven't seen 1 or 2 so i had no idea about some of the references to Zerg and the other toys. initially i didn't know what could possibly be so great about this movie to give it a 9.6 on IMDB before deflation. after watching i've realized that i was entertained the whole time and there's nothing i can say that was wrong with the movie. on the contrary, almost every minute had something funny that was not absurdly sexual or coarse. makes me wonder how creative some people out there can be in terms of the greater plot and in the smaller, finer sentences that string the plot together nicely.
karate kid wasn't as good since there were a lot of cheesy moments and half the time i was grimacing at every mis-pronounced word made by the Chinese actors. jayden smith was really good though i must say, and jackie chan finally doesn't seem awkward to watch for me anymore. one thing that was a bit wrong though was the lack of english subtitles for the Chinese parts. there were some exclamations that were vital to the situation that were not translated. perhaps there was some greater significance to this but i can't seem to figure out how it could be more important than making sure audiences understand what's going on. i loved the ending though; the traditional good guys win kind of thing. sorry if i just spoiled it.
on a side interest note, lebron joins dwayne wade and chris bosh in miami to form the new big three. i know there's a lot of hate for lebron right now but come on this guy is human. he is a superstar and what not, and it's unfair to always compare him to kobe bryant, michael jordan, or any great basketball players that have blessed the NBA. people are inherently different and maybe it's that difference that has made lebron such a key figure so far. anyway, i know i'll benefit from this because miami's in the east.. and they'll play the knicks at home at least once for sure. hopefully i'll be free on that day and get myself some tickets. and if no one wants to see it with me then maybe i'll just see it myself because i am that excited to see how dominant this new miami team can be.
these things have really started to take my mind off cindy. i know that at this rate, with me slowly pulling away too, our relationship is clearly not going to be sustainable; but i think i've finally gotten around this, knowing that another person's feelings cannot be controlled no matter how hard i try. i could work off my ass to get a 4.0GPA while pledging for a fraternity, working part-time, and taking the role of treasurer, but no matter what, there is no guarantee i'll be able to get cindy back, or at least not in the same way we were before. and what regrets can i possibly have? that i didn't go with her to vancouver and china? pretty absurd. it's pointless to think over this and invest feelings into it when it's already gone. things have changed and i will need to adapt to an entirely new situation with her when i see her in over a week's time. and i'm going to have to accept that maybe i just wasn't that important to her, and that the length of our relationship is partially due to the ill-timing of it and partially due to the fact that we can't see each other. i still feel shit when i realize how she's sustained over a year's long-term relationship in the past, but that's the past. she's changed now, and i'm not the same guy. it hurts knowing that i couldn't be good enough to keep her without being near her, but what can i do to better things now? give her space. give myself time. and hopefully when we do see each other, we can be good friends again.
it's not so bad once i begin telling myself i can get over it. i think those past few weeks' agony were due to my pessimism and obstinate attachment to the guilt i want her to feel. i don't know if i truly wanted to get back with her, or if i just wanted to get back at her. either way, i'll need to be more of a man and take this on my own shoulders like i always tell others to.
bye
so usually i don't initiate things but then i realized that i would never see toy story 3 unless i got off my lazy ass and asked people to see it. sadly i'm not invited to things as frequently as before and i owe it to my lack of effort in maintaining friendships while in new york. it's not that i don't want to keep friends.. it's just that i become very bored with online conversations, and because it's obvious that i'm bored, i'd rather end it than drag out an awkward dialogue.
anyway toy story 3 was a fun watch. i haven't seen 1 or 2 so i had no idea about some of the references to Zerg and the other toys. initially i didn't know what could possibly be so great about this movie to give it a 9.6 on IMDB before deflation. after watching i've realized that i was entertained the whole time and there's nothing i can say that was wrong with the movie. on the contrary, almost every minute had something funny that was not absurdly sexual or coarse. makes me wonder how creative some people out there can be in terms of the greater plot and in the smaller, finer sentences that string the plot together nicely.
karate kid wasn't as good since there were a lot of cheesy moments and half the time i was grimacing at every mis-pronounced word made by the Chinese actors. jayden smith was really good though i must say, and jackie chan finally doesn't seem awkward to watch for me anymore. one thing that was a bit wrong though was the lack of english subtitles for the Chinese parts. there were some exclamations that were vital to the situation that were not translated. perhaps there was some greater significance to this but i can't seem to figure out how it could be more important than making sure audiences understand what's going on. i loved the ending though; the traditional good guys win kind of thing. sorry if i just spoiled it.
on a side interest note, lebron joins dwayne wade and chris bosh in miami to form the new big three. i know there's a lot of hate for lebron right now but come on this guy is human. he is a superstar and what not, and it's unfair to always compare him to kobe bryant, michael jordan, or any great basketball players that have blessed the NBA. people are inherently different and maybe it's that difference that has made lebron such a key figure so far. anyway, i know i'll benefit from this because miami's in the east.. and they'll play the knicks at home at least once for sure. hopefully i'll be free on that day and get myself some tickets. and if no one wants to see it with me then maybe i'll just see it myself because i am that excited to see how dominant this new miami team can be.
these things have really started to take my mind off cindy. i know that at this rate, with me slowly pulling away too, our relationship is clearly not going to be sustainable; but i think i've finally gotten around this, knowing that another person's feelings cannot be controlled no matter how hard i try. i could work off my ass to get a 4.0GPA while pledging for a fraternity, working part-time, and taking the role of treasurer, but no matter what, there is no guarantee i'll be able to get cindy back, or at least not in the same way we were before. and what regrets can i possibly have? that i didn't go with her to vancouver and china? pretty absurd. it's pointless to think over this and invest feelings into it when it's already gone. things have changed and i will need to adapt to an entirely new situation with her when i see her in over a week's time. and i'm going to have to accept that maybe i just wasn't that important to her, and that the length of our relationship is partially due to the ill-timing of it and partially due to the fact that we can't see each other. i still feel shit when i realize how she's sustained over a year's long-term relationship in the past, but that's the past. she's changed now, and i'm not the same guy. it hurts knowing that i couldn't be good enough to keep her without being near her, but what can i do to better things now? give her space. give myself time. and hopefully when we do see each other, we can be good friends again.
it's not so bad once i begin telling myself i can get over it. i think those past few weeks' agony were due to my pessimism and obstinate attachment to the guilt i want her to feel. i don't know if i truly wanted to get back with her, or if i just wanted to get back at her. either way, i'll need to be more of a man and take this on my own shoulders like i always tell others to.
bye
Friday, July 9, 2010
i had fun today
and it's good because i took some things off my mind. i talked to my mum too and she tried counseling me on this whole thing with cindy. i dunno sometimes she does have a point and it helped. but right now i can't resist. it's quite unforgiving of me to make a rant about how she didn't skype me last night when she said she would. she did come online but i was asleep by then. not her fault. but tonight? who knows what she's up to. she's not picking up my calls. i'm assuming she's doing yoga or driving. hopefully she is. i'm in one of my paranoid moods again and i'm thinking she's out with some guy. this isn't healthy for me and i'm going to try and stop it right now.
anyway i hope she picks up her phone soon or comes online. i do miss her and it gets annoying because one day of not seeing her feels like a year. a year's worth of distance and time.. because with each day that passes, she becomes colder and begins to tell me more and more that what i am doing or asking her to do is beyond her boundaries of comfort. if i hadn't invested so many emotions into this, or if it had dragged on for longer, i guess i wouldn't be so intense about this. but god it was 2 months.. i feel like i'm just a page. just some passing moment. i thought i was really significant before, how she told me to have faith because we might be together for over a year. quite honestly i initially thought we'd break up over the summer, but then i began to really fall in love. and now i feel like i'm being punished for it. being punished for doing the very thing i avoided for as long as i was conscious of my emotions. i don't know what implications this has for me. am i just weak? should i have experienced this earlier? am i still not mature or worldly enough?
that could be true. some who's gone through a lot more would not see this as something worth lamenting over. after all we can still be friends, i will get over her eventually, and i can get on with my life. and i could easily not talk to her and that might help things.. but that's all theoretical. i would tell this shit to my friends. i should have written some kind of formula to get over someone.
anyway i hope she picks up her phone soon or comes online. i do miss her and it gets annoying because one day of not seeing her feels like a year. a year's worth of distance and time.. because with each day that passes, she becomes colder and begins to tell me more and more that what i am doing or asking her to do is beyond her boundaries of comfort. if i hadn't invested so many emotions into this, or if it had dragged on for longer, i guess i wouldn't be so intense about this. but god it was 2 months.. i feel like i'm just a page. just some passing moment. i thought i was really significant before, how she told me to have faith because we might be together for over a year. quite honestly i initially thought we'd break up over the summer, but then i began to really fall in love. and now i feel like i'm being punished for it. being punished for doing the very thing i avoided for as long as i was conscious of my emotions. i don't know what implications this has for me. am i just weak? should i have experienced this earlier? am i still not mature or worldly enough?
that could be true. some who's gone through a lot more would not see this as something worth lamenting over. after all we can still be friends, i will get over her eventually, and i can get on with my life. and i could easily not talk to her and that might help things.. but that's all theoretical. i would tell this shit to my friends. i should have written some kind of formula to get over someone.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
the things i find funny
seem absurd when i really think about it. i mean why the hell do i crack up uncontrollably at xkcd? they're comics about physics, much of which i don't even understand. anyway i found one today that was really funny and here it is:
well clearly the creator must have found it amusing, but i doubt any of my other friends do. i was hoping to link it to someone on my adium list but then i realized no one would laugh. they'd probably ask me why i just wasted 30 seconds of their time and bandwidth. Cindy certainly wouldn't find it funny, probably because she didn't watch fight club.
anyway, it's not that i think i'm special or anything. i just sometimes wish i was slightly more in line with mainstream so that i could fit in with everyone. like if i had a switch or something that delegated between the graces i would need to apply to get along with everyone in any situation. such a wish is achievable i suppose but it might be a bit too late for me to refine all of my tendencies and be so in control of myself that i know how to impress under any circumstance.
moments like these depress me.. momentarily, because i just realize how un-interesting i can be. i'm not creative enough to upload pictures of fashionable clothing or artwork and give them amusing captions; nor do i have the motivation to do so, likely because i don't enjoy such things as much as my friends who take architecture. i'm not really hard-working enough to make heaps of money and busy myself to a degree where i don't even have time to make a blog. i perpetually try to do things that don't truly amuse me though, things that i only do because they make me seem more interesting or more impressive. if i had a choice i'd just play world of warcraft and read comics all day. maybe i'm a geek by nature.
however, because i am ambitious, arrogant, and to some degree arrogant, i do try to keep up a certain image of myself and i do that by hopping over fences spuriously in an attempt to portray more virtues than i actually have. consequently i am often caught in between and in most cases i end up sitting awkwardly on the fence such that i'm not good at anything i do. i tell myself i'll start with something and stick with it so at least i'll be good at just one thing but that always fails. consistency certainly is a virtue that most people overlook. i don't think 5 years ago i would have thought 'hey i should try and be consistent'. back then it was all about doing everything i can and anything i can. i now pay the price of such reckless spontaneity.
the difference between goodnight and bye is
sleeping comfortably and not sleeping
well clearly the creator must have found it amusing, but i doubt any of my other friends do. i was hoping to link it to someone on my adium list but then i realized no one would laugh. they'd probably ask me why i just wasted 30 seconds of their time and bandwidth. Cindy certainly wouldn't find it funny, probably because she didn't watch fight club.anyway, it's not that i think i'm special or anything. i just sometimes wish i was slightly more in line with mainstream so that i could fit in with everyone. like if i had a switch or something that delegated between the graces i would need to apply to get along with everyone in any situation. such a wish is achievable i suppose but it might be a bit too late for me to refine all of my tendencies and be so in control of myself that i know how to impress under any circumstance.
moments like these depress me.. momentarily, because i just realize how un-interesting i can be. i'm not creative enough to upload pictures of fashionable clothing or artwork and give them amusing captions; nor do i have the motivation to do so, likely because i don't enjoy such things as much as my friends who take architecture. i'm not really hard-working enough to make heaps of money and busy myself to a degree where i don't even have time to make a blog. i perpetually try to do things that don't truly amuse me though, things that i only do because they make me seem more interesting or more impressive. if i had a choice i'd just play world of warcraft and read comics all day. maybe i'm a geek by nature.
however, because i am ambitious, arrogant, and to some degree arrogant, i do try to keep up a certain image of myself and i do that by hopping over fences spuriously in an attempt to portray more virtues than i actually have. consequently i am often caught in between and in most cases i end up sitting awkwardly on the fence such that i'm not good at anything i do. i tell myself i'll start with something and stick with it so at least i'll be good at just one thing but that always fails. consistency certainly is a virtue that most people overlook. i don't think 5 years ago i would have thought 'hey i should try and be consistent'. back then it was all about doing everything i can and anything i can. i now pay the price of such reckless spontaneity.
the difference between goodnight and bye is
sleeping comfortably and not sleeping
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The LAN party
was pretty fail. who knew Yi's internet couldn't hold 5 people uploading and downloading on it at the same time? pretty sure mine can't anyway. so we ended up spending money on a net cafe instead. should have just done that from the beginning in my opinion.
i called Cindy last night and she picked up! but she was out with friends. friends i knew anyway so that felt good. it kind of upset me though that she did have the capacity to go out late when she has work at 9 in the morning, but not the capacity to skype with me if she gets home 'too late' around 10pm. feels like i've been pushed down the priority ladder severely. what can i say though.. i kind of caused it with all my over-reactions and emotional outbursts.
i figured out last night what's been different about me since i finished freshman year at Stern. i don't have any goals! and not soccer goals, i mean objectives, ambitions, dreams even. i've been idling around at home and the reason why i feel the need to distract her or think about her all the time is because i haven't had anything to keep me occupied mentally or physically.
it's kind of hard for me to understand the true extent and true reason behind my sudden lack of control over my emotions but i hope that's the reason. honestly, i've been perceiving a lot of negativity from everything lately and i owe it to my pessimistic nature. except recently it's become really fluctuated so sometimes i say things that sound like i'm not so worried, only to contradict it later. it would be a lot easier for me to get through if i started crafting my words before i say them like i used to. i think i've begun to value unpolished thoughts and speech too much because i falsely assign them the virtue of being the pure truth. actually though there is no real truth to what people say when it's regarding relationships and other people.
when i infer motives or try to analyse the thoughts someone might be having for me, i do it based on actions and words. but i don't think people truly realize to what extent this is so flawed. how do we know a person's intentions when clearly, they are not even sure of their own? and even if they were, how are they to express them in such a way that we perceive their intentions the way they intended? i mean sometimes when i say sorry and i really mean it, people think i'm fucking with them because i have a sarcastic tone that is developed from years of cracking sexist jokes. and i only have myself to blame for being unable to express my true intentions. however, the way my intentions are received are also affected by their impression of me, based on my appearance, the previous conversations we've had, and maybe my personal background along with multiple other factors. it's such a holistic and amorphous perspective that it is impossible to understand one's true intentions purely based on their actions or words. maybe over time, through consistent decisions and choices made by that person, you can start to understand that maybe they are just truly how they portray themselves to be.
multiple times, i've believed people to be faking their enthusiasm or depression for attention's sake. yes it is unwise to be cynical on almost everything but that's me; i hate people.. nah i don't actually but sometimes i can get pretty passive aggressive. and i guess i might have tried to tell them that they are being fake, so they can stop doing it because it makes me awkward. now those few people i've said that to have never trusted me and it's been a painstaking process to undo my mistakes and admit that it was i who assumed too much and judged without jurisdiction.
funny enough, if i'm the one who thinks this way, and if i'm the one who is basically telling others to be objective with their impressions of other people since perception and reception are very biased, then why the hell can i not get over this myself? surely enough, only after going through something like this do i realize that all the times i've been asked for advice, and given it only to see it not taken seriously, was because it's not easy at all to listen to rationale when you're just.. in love. or when you hate someone. personally i think those emotions might go hand in hand at times. i never really understood the idiots that said there's a fine line between love and hate until now. she can make me so happy sometimes, and suicidal during others.
but yes, this post was a load of nonsense that i usually ponder over too often before sleeping. it's really not too hard to understand why i've been consistently trying to deny my mono-brow from forming since i'm frowning half the time i sleep. i just wonder why people don't smile when they're thinking critically. anyway, for now i have to say that i am sorry to Cindy for being so up and down all the time. i know it's hard to have feelings for someone once you've noticed that you're losing them, and it must be nearly impossible once that person starts accusing you of cheating, starts being overly possessive, and generally acts like a rash on your body that you can't get rid of because it's been with you for a long time and you're not sure whether or not it's good for you. i know that when i read this sometime tomorrow or in the next few weeks before i see her, i will think 'fuck that' and be all angry/pissed/flopping like a fish on my bed trying to shake out the feelings. but for now i am slightly contented. it would help if i had better things to do than think about this and write it all down but i slowly feel my popularity being sucked out by the fact that i don't really plan or initiate anything, and i'm not really living in Auckland anymore. it's hard to be friends with someone that comes and goes annually.
to end this long post, i must confess that i have always thought myself to be 'the shit' because i thought i was the only one who saw the true value behind unprocessed and unpolished thoughts. i usually spat them out, some insults, some tirades and occasionally there would be a compliment. and i took pride in that. it will take me awhile to get my head back around and adjust because people have always helped me confirm that pride by telling me how rational i am. i always owed it to saying what i meant. really though, what you mean at one moment is never consistent with the next and you'll always end up regretting one word in that sentence. sorry guys for all those painful insults about your disposition, looks, and background. i pretty much said you were useless and detrimental to society. that can't sound really nice. Max you're a douche but you have your own reasons for being that way. i'm not going to enjoy debunking the myths you have about your own virtues anymore, though it was fun and sometimes pitiful.
now i understand that maturity does not come from losing your virginity, becoming extremely rugged looking, getting buffed, drinking coffee, and having deep chats with your friends; rather, maturity should come from understanding that the world is not so simple as this and that, and what you say and understand from what others say is not black and white. it's a kaleidoscope of gradients and shades. and so it's not too wise to just act like an unrefined idiot and call it telling the truth. the truth is what you make of it, and if your life is to be an enjoyable one, maybe those truths should be thought through carefully, and those unprocessed sentences should only come out of your mouth or body language when you're either pissed drunk or around people that don't give a fuck.
i called Cindy last night and she picked up! but she was out with friends. friends i knew anyway so that felt good. it kind of upset me though that she did have the capacity to go out late when she has work at 9 in the morning, but not the capacity to skype with me if she gets home 'too late' around 10pm. feels like i've been pushed down the priority ladder severely. what can i say though.. i kind of caused it with all my over-reactions and emotional outbursts.
i figured out last night what's been different about me since i finished freshman year at Stern. i don't have any goals! and not soccer goals, i mean objectives, ambitions, dreams even. i've been idling around at home and the reason why i feel the need to distract her or think about her all the time is because i haven't had anything to keep me occupied mentally or physically.
it's kind of hard for me to understand the true extent and true reason behind my sudden lack of control over my emotions but i hope that's the reason. honestly, i've been perceiving a lot of negativity from everything lately and i owe it to my pessimistic nature. except recently it's become really fluctuated so sometimes i say things that sound like i'm not so worried, only to contradict it later. it would be a lot easier for me to get through if i started crafting my words before i say them like i used to. i think i've begun to value unpolished thoughts and speech too much because i falsely assign them the virtue of being the pure truth. actually though there is no real truth to what people say when it's regarding relationships and other people.
when i infer motives or try to analyse the thoughts someone might be having for me, i do it based on actions and words. but i don't think people truly realize to what extent this is so flawed. how do we know a person's intentions when clearly, they are not even sure of their own? and even if they were, how are they to express them in such a way that we perceive their intentions the way they intended? i mean sometimes when i say sorry and i really mean it, people think i'm fucking with them because i have a sarcastic tone that is developed from years of cracking sexist jokes. and i only have myself to blame for being unable to express my true intentions. however, the way my intentions are received are also affected by their impression of me, based on my appearance, the previous conversations we've had, and maybe my personal background along with multiple other factors. it's such a holistic and amorphous perspective that it is impossible to understand one's true intentions purely based on their actions or words. maybe over time, through consistent decisions and choices made by that person, you can start to understand that maybe they are just truly how they portray themselves to be.
multiple times, i've believed people to be faking their enthusiasm or depression for attention's sake. yes it is unwise to be cynical on almost everything but that's me; i hate people.. nah i don't actually but sometimes i can get pretty passive aggressive. and i guess i might have tried to tell them that they are being fake, so they can stop doing it because it makes me awkward. now those few people i've said that to have never trusted me and it's been a painstaking process to undo my mistakes and admit that it was i who assumed too much and judged without jurisdiction.
funny enough, if i'm the one who thinks this way, and if i'm the one who is basically telling others to be objective with their impressions of other people since perception and reception are very biased, then why the hell can i not get over this myself? surely enough, only after going through something like this do i realize that all the times i've been asked for advice, and given it only to see it not taken seriously, was because it's not easy at all to listen to rationale when you're just.. in love. or when you hate someone. personally i think those emotions might go hand in hand at times. i never really understood the idiots that said there's a fine line between love and hate until now. she can make me so happy sometimes, and suicidal during others.
but yes, this post was a load of nonsense that i usually ponder over too often before sleeping. it's really not too hard to understand why i've been consistently trying to deny my mono-brow from forming since i'm frowning half the time i sleep. i just wonder why people don't smile when they're thinking critically. anyway, for now i have to say that i am sorry to Cindy for being so up and down all the time. i know it's hard to have feelings for someone once you've noticed that you're losing them, and it must be nearly impossible once that person starts accusing you of cheating, starts being overly possessive, and generally acts like a rash on your body that you can't get rid of because it's been with you for a long time and you're not sure whether or not it's good for you. i know that when i read this sometime tomorrow or in the next few weeks before i see her, i will think 'fuck that' and be all angry/pissed/flopping like a fish on my bed trying to shake out the feelings. but for now i am slightly contented. it would help if i had better things to do than think about this and write it all down but i slowly feel my popularity being sucked out by the fact that i don't really plan or initiate anything, and i'm not really living in Auckland anymore. it's hard to be friends with someone that comes and goes annually.
to end this long post, i must confess that i have always thought myself to be 'the shit' because i thought i was the only one who saw the true value behind unprocessed and unpolished thoughts. i usually spat them out, some insults, some tirades and occasionally there would be a compliment. and i took pride in that. it will take me awhile to get my head back around and adjust because people have always helped me confirm that pride by telling me how rational i am. i always owed it to saying what i meant. really though, what you mean at one moment is never consistent with the next and you'll always end up regretting one word in that sentence. sorry guys for all those painful insults about your disposition, looks, and background. i pretty much said you were useless and detrimental to society. that can't sound really nice. Max you're a douche but you have your own reasons for being that way. i'm not going to enjoy debunking the myths you have about your own virtues anymore, though it was fun and sometimes pitiful.
now i understand that maturity does not come from losing your virginity, becoming extremely rugged looking, getting buffed, drinking coffee, and having deep chats with your friends; rather, maturity should come from understanding that the world is not so simple as this and that, and what you say and understand from what others say is not black and white. it's a kaleidoscope of gradients and shades. and so it's not too wise to just act like an unrefined idiot and call it telling the truth. the truth is what you make of it, and if your life is to be an enjoyable one, maybe those truths should be thought through carefully, and those unprocessed sentences should only come out of your mouth or body language when you're either pissed drunk or around people that don't give a fuck.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
So it's rainy today
and what better way is there to pass a rainy day than to stay inside and do nothing. Nah but actually this time, some friends and I are having a LAN party.
If you don't know what that is, it's pretty much just a bunch of gaming nerds getting together in some guy's house, using his internet and power-ports, to simulate an internet cafe; except it's exclusive (ooooh I said it). Strangely I don't find anything loser-ish about it since most guys my age play MMORPGs/RTS/FPS computer games given that they're Asian. So yes I am looking forward to it for hopefully I will be so drugged by pixels and adrenaline that I will forget about the lack of effort from my significant other in our relationship.
Here's a comic I found amusing from xkcd:
If you don't know what that is, it's pretty much just a bunch of gaming nerds getting together in some guy's house, using his internet and power-ports, to simulate an internet cafe; except it's exclusive (ooooh I said it). Strangely I don't find anything loser-ish about it since most guys my age play MMORPGs/RTS/FPS computer games given that they're Asian. So yes I am looking forward to it for hopefully I will be so drugged by pixels and adrenaline that I will forget about the lack of effort from my significant other in our relationship.
Here's a comic I found amusing from xkcd:
just before i try to sleep
i thought i'd share a picture that made me laugh. yes it is rather absurd and please do not hate me for my humor:
hmm blogspot can sure be rather inefficient with the picture uploading device. til' next time.
hmm blogspot can sure be rather inefficient with the picture uploading device. til' next time.
commercializing my blog
yes I actually decided to put advertisements on my blog because hey, if there's money to be made, and other people are making it, then there is absolutely no reason why I shouldn't be. There isn't much money to be made, unless thousands of people begin reading my blog and like, accidentally click the ads. hey i randomly decided to not type in perfect punctuation anymore because it's 1:08am and i can't be bothered.
you know what's dumb is that these last few days i've been trying to sleep before midnight since my body is starting to destroy itself. i've noticed how i haven't been able to keep in a meal without having diarrhea in the next few hours and i assume the lack of sleep is associated. or maybe it's because i have been eating spicy meals and KFC. now i'm thinking of what could possibly be keeping me awake when i am clearly not trying to stay awake.
i do tend to think about a lot of the things i've done, will do, and just did; and then begin analysing my own choices and decisions; and then begin analysing others' responses to my choices and decisions; and then begin analysing the possible outcomes or impressions they might have of me; and then begin formulating possible scenarios to improve those impressions; and then eventually i'll go on mutiple tangents and end thinking about things that don't require much brain power such as remembering the multiple bosses i killed in world of warcraft.
lately i've been thinking about cindy a lot more though and that kind of starts to create this annoying ball of high density frustration and sadness between my eyes and slightly above my eyebrows. but then again, i usually fall asleep thinking.. so why am i awake? well i discovered the reason today after a swim when xinan and i went to enjoy a cup of coffee.. i don't usually drink coffee but these past few days, with jon tan around, i needed all the energy i could get. plus drinking coffee made me feel sophisticated in an expensive restaurant instead of pigging out on pasta. and it's cheaper too. so now i've realized that maybe the reason i haven't been able to sleep is because i have no control anymore of my body's sleeping patterns after intoxicating myself with caffeine. i will remind myself to not order a moccachino next time we are enjoying lunch in a bistro.
that said, staying awake has its merits. i have those deep conversations with people i normally wouldn't talk to. i remember i used to parodize (new word) the concept of being deep simply because so many people claimed to be so when clearly they were not. they would tell others that they are psychological and philosophical geniuses without realizing what those two fields of social science actually studied. quite honestly i never liked people who approached me while i was sitting on the steps outside a party to have a deep chat unless it came out naturally. i remember some would tell me to have a bro chat with them, which naturally meant a deep chat. as you can see i don't think anyone is deep because i hated being told that i was deep. i mean sure i helped people with their relationship issues, family troubles, life crises and such but that's only because i was so detached from everything. personally i never really gave a shit about my future unless my parents started forking money into something that i knew i had to do well in so it wasn't wasted.
but i shouldn't criticize those kids who enjoy their conversations about morality, and emotions, and feelings, and inner thoughts, and fetishes.. no but seriously, about why life can be so unjust, unfair, and in general, why we're living. now victor was probably the guy i had most of those chats with because he always had a problem with where his talent should be invested. there was a time when he had girl troubles but those aren't really deep chats. they're more of just getting him to see things from a different perspective, and breaking down the motives of his girlfriend's actions. now the real shit came when he started questioning the reason to succeed. here i got worried because he had a lot going for him you see. it's true though, what he said, i mean.. he was employed in the dining hall and worked there for about 3 months before he was promoted to supervisor whereas a guy who worked their for nearly a year got nothing. he said he felt guilty initially in that all he really did was just chat with the previous supervisor and not doing his job. then he began to infer that life is essentially unfair and that god cannot exist if such events occur where hard-work is not rewarded. now obviously some might be thinking 'hey that's not deep at all you're a fraud stop criticizing others who think they are deep' but really i can't remember the rest of our conversation. i just know there were a lot of assumptions thrown around and extreme perspectives but in the end i did feel quite satisfied knowing i had just breached a topic that suggested i was no longer an adolescent. because i actually cared about shit now.
so now i realize that the reason why i used to be so detached was because i was not really my age. while the other kids started caring about bigger issues, i was playing world of warcraft and wondering why the world was collapsing when clearly, no meteor threats were looming.
anyway i think the real reason i'm up is because i secretly hope cindy will come online after her yoga practice, but in reality i am fooling myself. for the amount of keenness i have in perceiving and inferring motives from actions, i am pretty thick when it comes to her. but the problem is, i don't know if i'm thinking too pessimistically because i naturally enjoy inducing emotional pain on myself so i can make her feel guilty for it later. my guess is though that she's probably avoiding me, and i don't know why. pretty heart-breaking stuff. i even thought up a song while lying in bed and waiting for her. i think the chorus would go something like this:
i just can't sleep,
when i know you don't care about me
i just can't sleep,
because i reminisce about how we used to be
i just can't sleep,
the wounds you've left are still cut in so deep
so please,
set me free
personally i wouldn't listen to a song with a chorus like that but if people listen to t-pain and lil'wayne then i don't see why those lyrics with a good beat couldn't make millions. usually a blogger is supposed to leave a post a day or less, but i think i might be a little frantic tonight so let that be an excuse for me leaving two. or more. ciao
you know what's dumb is that these last few days i've been trying to sleep before midnight since my body is starting to destroy itself. i've noticed how i haven't been able to keep in a meal without having diarrhea in the next few hours and i assume the lack of sleep is associated. or maybe it's because i have been eating spicy meals and KFC. now i'm thinking of what could possibly be keeping me awake when i am clearly not trying to stay awake.
i do tend to think about a lot of the things i've done, will do, and just did; and then begin analysing my own choices and decisions; and then begin analysing others' responses to my choices and decisions; and then begin analysing the possible outcomes or impressions they might have of me; and then begin formulating possible scenarios to improve those impressions; and then eventually i'll go on mutiple tangents and end thinking about things that don't require much brain power such as remembering the multiple bosses i killed in world of warcraft.
lately i've been thinking about cindy a lot more though and that kind of starts to create this annoying ball of high density frustration and sadness between my eyes and slightly above my eyebrows. but then again, i usually fall asleep thinking.. so why am i awake? well i discovered the reason today after a swim when xinan and i went to enjoy a cup of coffee.. i don't usually drink coffee but these past few days, with jon tan around, i needed all the energy i could get. plus drinking coffee made me feel sophisticated in an expensive restaurant instead of pigging out on pasta. and it's cheaper too. so now i've realized that maybe the reason i haven't been able to sleep is because i have no control anymore of my body's sleeping patterns after intoxicating myself with caffeine. i will remind myself to not order a moccachino next time we are enjoying lunch in a bistro.
that said, staying awake has its merits. i have those deep conversations with people i normally wouldn't talk to. i remember i used to parodize (new word) the concept of being deep simply because so many people claimed to be so when clearly they were not. they would tell others that they are psychological and philosophical geniuses without realizing what those two fields of social science actually studied. quite honestly i never liked people who approached me while i was sitting on the steps outside a party to have a deep chat unless it came out naturally. i remember some would tell me to have a bro chat with them, which naturally meant a deep chat. as you can see i don't think anyone is deep because i hated being told that i was deep. i mean sure i helped people with their relationship issues, family troubles, life crises and such but that's only because i was so detached from everything. personally i never really gave a shit about my future unless my parents started forking money into something that i knew i had to do well in so it wasn't wasted.
but i shouldn't criticize those kids who enjoy their conversations about morality, and emotions, and feelings, and inner thoughts, and fetishes.. no but seriously, about why life can be so unjust, unfair, and in general, why we're living. now victor was probably the guy i had most of those chats with because he always had a problem with where his talent should be invested. there was a time when he had girl troubles but those aren't really deep chats. they're more of just getting him to see things from a different perspective, and breaking down the motives of his girlfriend's actions. now the real shit came when he started questioning the reason to succeed. here i got worried because he had a lot going for him you see. it's true though, what he said, i mean.. he was employed in the dining hall and worked there for about 3 months before he was promoted to supervisor whereas a guy who worked their for nearly a year got nothing. he said he felt guilty initially in that all he really did was just chat with the previous supervisor and not doing his job. then he began to infer that life is essentially unfair and that god cannot exist if such events occur where hard-work is not rewarded. now obviously some might be thinking 'hey that's not deep at all you're a fraud stop criticizing others who think they are deep' but really i can't remember the rest of our conversation. i just know there were a lot of assumptions thrown around and extreme perspectives but in the end i did feel quite satisfied knowing i had just breached a topic that suggested i was no longer an adolescent. because i actually cared about shit now.
so now i realize that the reason why i used to be so detached was because i was not really my age. while the other kids started caring about bigger issues, i was playing world of warcraft and wondering why the world was collapsing when clearly, no meteor threats were looming.
anyway i think the real reason i'm up is because i secretly hope cindy will come online after her yoga practice, but in reality i am fooling myself. for the amount of keenness i have in perceiving and inferring motives from actions, i am pretty thick when it comes to her. but the problem is, i don't know if i'm thinking too pessimistically because i naturally enjoy inducing emotional pain on myself so i can make her feel guilty for it later. my guess is though that she's probably avoiding me, and i don't know why. pretty heart-breaking stuff. i even thought up a song while lying in bed and waiting for her. i think the chorus would go something like this:
i just can't sleep,
when i know you don't care about me
i just can't sleep,
because i reminisce about how we used to be
i just can't sleep,
the wounds you've left are still cut in so deep
so please,
set me free
personally i wouldn't listen to a song with a chorus like that but if people listen to t-pain and lil'wayne then i don't see why those lyrics with a good beat couldn't make millions. usually a blogger is supposed to leave a post a day or less, but i think i might be a little frantic tonight so let that be an excuse for me leaving two. or more. ciao
my blog virginity..
is not innocent. I actually have another blog - cas4steven.blogspot.com - but somehow I can't access it anymore. For the better anyway since the URL is ridiculously indicative of my sensitivity to IB propaganda.
Anyway I saw Saila doing a blog last night at around 3am and had a wild idea to start my own. And then I did it. I was up late because I drank coffee for the first time in my life (actually). Now.. what does one put on a blog anyway? I know Jenny Liang puts her poetry, which I have unjustly criticized before. Ok this is some pretty boring stuff so maybe I should slash the chains that are tied to my creativity known as manners.
Hey so I'm waiting for my friend/girlfriend/I don't know right now, Cindy Xu, to come online and Skype with me. Now usually, or back in the day, I am a sarcastic, immature, and very stoic individual. I have been told many times by Victor X.Li who currently attends Princeton - as testament to his accuracy - that my writing just doesn't sound human, as in it's devoid of emotion. Some idiots might take pride in that, as I once did, because I thought it was cool to be.. cool and cold. But now I think I've breached some form of maturity and have started developing feelings for people. And it sucks. Quite honestly, I don't know if I've progressed in life or gone backwards in terms of personalities that are chosen by natural selection. I always thought I'd be all good with emotional fluctuations, it's the only way I managed to convince my parents to let me troll in New York instead of staying in quiet and remote Auckland. But uh.. that didn't really last long and now I am struggling quite frequently to keep up with the whims of my heart.
Some things just sadden me now. I know it's not great to accuse someone (Cindy) of not keeping her word or making an effort to still talk to me since we're technically still 'trying' to make things work. It's not that hard to go on the computer and Skype for 5 minutes. I just want to see her. And quite honestly, maybe I am not very understanding of her situation (she might be insanely busy) but I usually believe I am right. And usually I am right. So right now I think she's just purposely trying to not talk to me, or maybe she just forgot. Either way it's kind of sad and makes me feel like a useless pile of faeces. Obviously I can't go all out on this so that's why there's still a tinge of sarcasm and comic relief to some of this HEAVY AND BURDENING text. But yeah.. the real me is actually breaking down slowly and can't really maintain more than 5 hours of sleep because I keep thinking she's going to come online or call (note we have a time difference). I just hope that when I do see her in just over two weeks' time, I won't doubt her anymore in terms of how much she still cares for me. I know though that right now, she is not making a level of effort that reflects the relationship we once had.
I was originally intending to post a link to this on my Facebook, but that would be rather stupid since everyone could find out about it! Therefore this blog is reserved for myself and those who are unlucky enough to stumble upon it. Maybe once I've accumulated enough posts and need to make some money from AdSense, I will make this overtly public. Then, only the people who are either truly bored or, in some unlikely circumstance, who actually care about me to keep reading, will find this post. Truthfully though, it's not that intense compared to some of the feelings and emotions others might experience. I mean, I'm not making up my own song lyrics or dreaming up musical scores that reflect these feelings. Most of it probably is my own doing through paranoia and pessimism (:
What a fool I am to contradict almost everything I do with the exact opposite. The climax and value of my thoughts must be lost after I anti-climax them with something absurdly lame. But really, I am that kind of person. I don't like to be too extreme with things because I tend to think people don't want to hear about how ruthless some of my experiences are (since they're probably not). Maybe if there were only 10 people in this world, I would be more sure about the intensity of some of my claims, but because I am a very considerate and indecisive individual, I tend to over-do my qualifications of statements. And so, you will never find anything on this blog that is remotely exciting or boring. But then again, what is between exciting and boring? Moderate? That sounds pretty boring..
I just wasted over an hour waiting for Cindy hoping that writing this blog would make time pass faster until she comes online. I guess I have been truly disillusioned once again. Hey Steven if you're reading this in the future, remember how shit you felt and tell her if you're on good terms by then. Ciao.
Anyway I saw Saila doing a blog last night at around 3am and had a wild idea to start my own. And then I did it. I was up late because I drank coffee for the first time in my life (actually). Now.. what does one put on a blog anyway? I know Jenny Liang puts her poetry, which I have unjustly criticized before. Ok this is some pretty boring stuff so maybe I should slash the chains that are tied to my creativity known as manners.
Hey so I'm waiting for my friend/girlfriend/I don't know right now, Cindy Xu, to come online and Skype with me. Now usually, or back in the day, I am a sarcastic, immature, and very stoic individual. I have been told many times by Victor X.Li who currently attends Princeton - as testament to his accuracy - that my writing just doesn't sound human, as in it's devoid of emotion. Some idiots might take pride in that, as I once did, because I thought it was cool to be.. cool and cold. But now I think I've breached some form of maturity and have started developing feelings for people. And it sucks. Quite honestly, I don't know if I've progressed in life or gone backwards in terms of personalities that are chosen by natural selection. I always thought I'd be all good with emotional fluctuations, it's the only way I managed to convince my parents to let me troll in New York instead of staying in quiet and remote Auckland. But uh.. that didn't really last long and now I am struggling quite frequently to keep up with the whims of my heart.
Some things just sadden me now. I know it's not great to accuse someone (Cindy) of not keeping her word or making an effort to still talk to me since we're technically still 'trying' to make things work. It's not that hard to go on the computer and Skype for 5 minutes. I just want to see her. And quite honestly, maybe I am not very understanding of her situation (she might be insanely busy) but I usually believe I am right. And usually I am right. So right now I think she's just purposely trying to not talk to me, or maybe she just forgot. Either way it's kind of sad and makes me feel like a useless pile of faeces. Obviously I can't go all out on this so that's why there's still a tinge of sarcasm and comic relief to some of this HEAVY AND BURDENING text. But yeah.. the real me is actually breaking down slowly and can't really maintain more than 5 hours of sleep because I keep thinking she's going to come online or call (note we have a time difference). I just hope that when I do see her in just over two weeks' time, I won't doubt her anymore in terms of how much she still cares for me. I know though that right now, she is not making a level of effort that reflects the relationship we once had.
I was originally intending to post a link to this on my Facebook, but that would be rather stupid since everyone could find out about it! Therefore this blog is reserved for myself and those who are unlucky enough to stumble upon it. Maybe once I've accumulated enough posts and need to make some money from AdSense, I will make this overtly public. Then, only the people who are either truly bored or, in some unlikely circumstance, who actually care about me to keep reading, will find this post. Truthfully though, it's not that intense compared to some of the feelings and emotions others might experience. I mean, I'm not making up my own song lyrics or dreaming up musical scores that reflect these feelings. Most of it probably is my own doing through paranoia and pessimism (:
What a fool I am to contradict almost everything I do with the exact opposite. The climax and value of my thoughts must be lost after I anti-climax them with something absurdly lame. But really, I am that kind of person. I don't like to be too extreme with things because I tend to think people don't want to hear about how ruthless some of my experiences are (since they're probably not). Maybe if there were only 10 people in this world, I would be more sure about the intensity of some of my claims, but because I am a very considerate and indecisive individual, I tend to over-do my qualifications of statements. And so, you will never find anything on this blog that is remotely exciting or boring. But then again, what is between exciting and boring? Moderate? That sounds pretty boring..
I just wasted over an hour waiting for Cindy hoping that writing this blog would make time pass faster until she comes online. I guess I have been truly disillusioned once again. Hey Steven if you're reading this in the future, remember how shit you felt and tell her if you're on good terms by then. Ciao.
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